1. If you want a guaranteed date to Roomies, if you’re more worried about having an apple than if the apple is nicely polished, then by all means the freshmen barrel of fish is easy shootin’.

The fresh out of the gates, green around the gills, freshman are still dumbfounded by the new faces, new places, and new potential vessels of affection. At the very least, the freshmen will still have a vague enough notion of what Roomies to be convinced that, “it will be fun, you’ll see,” or, “yeah, it’s just like a highschool formal, but cooler because we’re in college.” Flash a wink and a nod, and you’re all set.

2. Timing is key. It always has been and always will be, but the way in which this principle applies to the Roomies ask is unique. Don’t plan out the most thoughtful way to ask after getting to know your potential date.

Don’t wait for the proper moment. In fact, just don’t wait at all. The best bet you have at locking in your Roomies date deal is asking way before Roomies is even on the radar. Find a nice guy or gal, and make sure they’re too nice to turn ya down.

Strike first, strike fast, and strike while passing by so they’re so caught off guard that they slip into that quick, regretful, “yes.”

3. If you’re the type that likes putting on a show, really driving home the theatrics, then step 3 is all you need. Whatever you do, make sure it costs no less than $100 or 20 hours prep time. Find something you and that person have in common and just cling to it till the cows come home.

You both like Nic Cage movies? Get $100 of Nic movies from the bargain bin. That comes out to roughly 600 movies, so bring a flatbed. You both like Shakespeare? Higher a cast of local drama enthusiasts to reenact Romeo & Juliet, but instead of everyone killing themselves, they just end up going to Roomies…and wish they had. You bonded over your mutual love for RootBeer? Buy her $100 worth of delicious, carbonated goodness at Fred Meyer night. If you get cold feet and decide not to ask, don’t worry about it. More soda for you.

4. Does your potential date appreciate the fine arts? Because emotional manipulation is an art. It doesn’t matter if you have a sick uncle, sprained your ankle, donate your free time to helping single mothers reconnect with their childhood pets, or conveniently, “aren’t coming back next semester and want to have at least one good memory.”

If you have to, absolutely have to, drive it home with a, “I’m not sick enough to qualify, but if I could get a free make-a-wish…” Then end it with whatever sappy line you come up with. If it’s sappy enough, they’re sure to stick.

5. Rope. Saran Wrap. Zip-ties.*

*The views expressed in this article do not necessarily reflect the views of The Talon. Use these tips at your own discretion, as we are not liable for any lawsuits, injuries, or hurt feelings as a result of your actions.